Do you still have your period?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Drunk is not a location!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
