I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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