checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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