If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
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It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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