I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
