dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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