His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I love you.
Bad choice
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