MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
