Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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