I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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