I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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