My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
