first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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