So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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