also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
