i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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