I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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