It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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