I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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