We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
