I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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