please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
