I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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