yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
