How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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