White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
