I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
