Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
