when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Four minutes until I can fart!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
