she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
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I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
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Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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