Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
