that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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