she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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