Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
