this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
