mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
