Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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