giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
