Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
