All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
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Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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