i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
