The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
