oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
