Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
