a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Never underestimate the power of titties
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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