im about as happy as oj after his trial
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
