is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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