he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
