I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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