Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
