The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
