Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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