I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
smell my finger.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Enjoy the penises
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
