HIV tests are more positive than that guy
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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