I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
