you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
