I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
