If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
