I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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