He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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