My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
