I heard we made out
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
