positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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